Nice Guy Depression
Do I have Nice Guy Depression?
How do I know?
You are a well-meaning individual struggling with confidence, self-worth and loneliness, even if you are in a relationship.
The frequent miscommunications with your partner are often a mystery because you work diligently to make that person happy. You know you are a better partner and friend than other guys. You are kind, thoughtful and helpful. But that doesn’t seem to be enough.
The thoughts of “How isn’t this enough? Why am I not enough?” get louder and more frequent.
Trying to escape the negative feelings, you find yourself checking out at work, on your phone, drinking more, or starting to engage in self-destructive behavior. For some, it feels like constant, low-grade unhappiness. For others, it feels like a downward spiral they are unsure how to stop.
Many nice guys believed that once they reached a certain point in life e.g. have the job, house, spouse, kids etc., they would feel generally content.
They are unsure why they feel angry, down, and defeated. They’ve become depressed.
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
There are a lot of things that contribute to nice guy depression but here are a few universals.
They are praised for suppressing what they actually want. This sounds like “Hey, good job for just going with the flow” or “You are really good at not making waves.”
They figure out that they are good at fixing a problem by taking action (e.g. mom is happy after they mow the lawn, friend is so grateful they came early and stayed late to help him move).
The narrative forms: “If my mom, dad, partner, employer, friend etc. is happy with me, that means I am a good guy. Now I can be happy.”
Unfortunately, that means the opposite is true too. “If those people are unhappy, even one of them, I’ve done something wrong.”
His self-worth becomes based on everyone else around him. He can’t be happy if others are sad or upset.
IF THIS IS ME, WHAT DO I DO?
Speak up, gently but clearly.
Between aggressive and passive there is assertive. When asking for something from your partner, make sure they know you are making a request but do not let it come out when you are angry.Acknowledge the pattern
Say to your loved ones, “Hey, I think there are some times when I have an opinion but I don’t share it. I know you have asked me to be honest and I am going to try to do that more.”Admit you are in uncharted territory
Gulp. Time for vulnerability. You might want to add this to the above conversation: “I am a little nervous to do this. I think I have practiced these old ways for a long time. I am worried you will ___________” Insert the concern you have. “You will get angry.” “You will dismiss it.”
Name the desire to please others
Identifying that you are happy when others are happy and find it hard to be okay with yourself when they are not is a great step.
Reach out to a qualified therapist
Both depression and these patterns can be addressed and improved. However, it might take more support than you currently have to help you sort through what is going on.
It’s a complete paradigm shift to understand that “being nice” like you were taught has some flawed application.
And here is the kicker, your partner wants you to stop being a “nice guy,” someone who stays quiet and doesn’t rock the boat. Not being truthful with your wants and needs actually leaves them feeling alone. Addressing these behaviors will help you and all your relationships.
Looking for more support? Reach out via the contact page or schedule a consultation below.
